Happy New Year everyone!
Wow, it’s been awhile since I posted anything. Longer than I realized! I knew going into this that finding time and discipline to maintain regular posts was going to be a struggle. I’d like to say that I’m going to be MUCH more disciplined this year. Well, that’s not true, I could say it but the truth is…. this year is all about learning to be less disciplined. In fact, being too disciplined is the precise reason this blog is so empty! I seem to have acquired a compulsion for responsible behavior.
Oh yes, and not just responsible behavior but the obsessive never let anything go, never miss a deadline, always be organized, never dare to forget anything, always be there for someone else, never stop short of the extra mile, NEVER let the house fall into disarray, always do this, always do that, never slow down, never let up….. kind of obsessive responsibility. GOOD GRIEF!
Now, if a person can be an oxymoron… then I’m a full fledged card carrying member of the oxymora society. I’m a walking contradiction of huge proportions. I’m like accidental intention or controlled chaos. You see, at my very core I am anything but responsible, structured or obsessive. I am willy nilly. I’m a daydreamer. I’m imagination that never ceases. I don’t like rules. I don’t like schedules. I don’t like perfection (even though most people call me a perfectionist). I don’t like to be limited or held back. I don’t like negative attitudes. I like possibilities. Inspiration! Awe and wonder. Yet to those who do not know me intimately I am the model of efficiency, control and order. Again…. GOOD GRIEF!
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I wonder how they see all that. I make my version of what I think are responsible faces and peer into my own eyes and I think to myself, HELLOOoooooo!!! are you in there? Who is this odd anal person the world sees that I can’t begin to relate to spiritually?
Other days I look into the mirror distracted by a dozen priority tasks and schedules that have to be maintained, fear of letting anyone in my life down, refusing to come up a fraction of an inch short least my superwoman cape be repossessed by the invisible council that measures a women’s worth and upon catching my image I sense the need to pause and scream. HELLO!!!!! Where am I? Am I in there? Yoooohooooooooo, come out, come out wherever you are. Where is the free spirit me? Where is that quirky, don’t tell me who I can be or how I fit in, rebel? Where is that goof ball I love so dearly? When was the last time I danced naked in the rain? Why don’t I sing? When did I last write anything? Why are my paints drying up from years of non use? WHEN did I become this good old reliable super achiever? Holy shit, when did I get OLDER? Those days scare the hell out of me. They stop me short in my tracks. I’m telling you, that’s an emotional wedgie that will wake your ass up!
And so, this year is about learning to let it go. Learning to stop pleasing the whole world at the expense of living life. Being me. It’s about making inspiration more of a priority in my life. It’s about thumbing my nose and giving the finger to anyone who feels the need to try to define me and tell me who I really am or to stereotype me based on the necessary roles I fill in my life instead of learning what my soul is about. I know, It’s not going to be easy. Especially in the context of my life. A high pressure job and a special needs child are just two aspects of a life that requires structure, discipline and enormous amounts of energy.
But at what cost?
How do I allow my children to stay true to their spirits if I make the daily choice to sacrifice my own? How do I inspire the people I love to express and live a life of joy and creativity if I fill mine with a never ending focus on necessity and order? It’s a role I molded myself into. Never a natural fit, but a perfected and efficient way to survive and be successful. Avoiding chaos is in many ways my way of providing stability and security for the ones I love. Being a dependable rock for the people I care about is my way of showing they are always safe with me, always have a place to turn, a heart they can rely on. And there is nothing wrong with that.
Nothing, until you forget that the best way to be all the things you want to be for all the people you love, is to keep your soul nourished. Alive. Vibrant. Maybe a little nutty. Embrace your inner quirky!!!! Freedom to be who you are and love the things you love and do the things that energize you is a powerful way to live. It’s likely to make you a whole lot happier than the hollow satisfaction you get from maintaining order and stability at all costs. At the end of the day it’s a simple principle. Being Happy is the best way you can love somebody. So be happy! Be you!
We can do both. We can be responsible without losing our inner child. We can be grounded without losing our inner gypsy. We can be practical without losing our inner dreamers and we can learn to recognize that no matter what we choose, what we try to be, how it all plays out, we are art. Art affects the world. It affects those that listen to it and those that view it. Listen to music you love and music you don’t care for and notice the difference inside of you. Look at something that inspires you and you may notice that it makes you feel good or creates new ideas in your mind.
The point? WE ARE ART. We are one of many forms of art the universe has created and constantly embellishes. We can choose to be positive art or negative art. Bright art or dark art. But we can not escape the simple truth that whatever we do or believe or become, is an expression of ourselves.
This year my resolution is to LIVE AS ART. To be aware of what I create and how I’m living and how I’m letting life affect and shape me. This year I plan to break a few rules, let a few compulsive “responsibilities” linger. I doubt they’re going anywhere. Let them wait. I will get to them on my own terms. When I am damn good and ready! lol
This is a piece I wrote for my son and had my brother craft onto a cigar box guitar as a Christmas present. It fits this post so I’m sharing.
Living has always been an artistic expression.
The art of creation is hard-wired into our souls. Self expression is born from the chaotic vibration of being human.
Art is the essential element of “being”.
The unique manifestation of our souls throughout this crazy gig called life. A life time of accumulated layers that make us human and flawed …
but also insanely beautiful.
Art is misunderstood. It’s not just something we produce,
art is how we live and who we become.
It comes from our light and from our darkness to become the great articulation of our genius and the breath behind our madness.
Art, is simply what we are.
It’s deeper than words we put on paper. It starts before the first brush stroke is ever placed on the canvas. Exists long before the first note is heard in our head and lives well beyond the last note we play.
No… art is not a single project conceived and created to completion.
Living is the project.
Life is the canvas.
We are the color, the texture, the medium, the music….
Art is what we create by being authentic.
Art is the crazy, mad, powerful magic inside,
that lets us create and express anything we want to be.